This Post is Not for You

If you have your act together, then just keep scrolling, because I am not talking to you.

It has been an entire month since I last posted. That sets a record for me. I think I was actually getting comfortable with NOT writing.

3 weeks ago, when I would get a notification of a new follower or a new like on a post, my reaction was culpable, and at times, somewhat anxious. I had to write something…right? After all, people were reading!

“I have to make a post tomorrow”, I said almost everyday… for 30 days.

Then a day would go by… a week…a month…and now, here I am…with a heart needing to get it all out.

What’s wrong with me???

Yesterday, my 14-year-old daughter sat on my bed and cried – partly because she was turning in her cell phone because she broke one of her “contract terms” – but I knew her tears were much deeper than her phone. I tried to fill in her incomplete sentences…

“…I can’t…I don’t…I feel…I see (school friend) going to… why can’t I….I mean, I know …(school friend) had her slumber party…I don’t want…weekends feel the same…like…I ….not motivated …but I want to…and then I try to have… don’t know how to say …Mommy, I don’t have words!”

I got out of my chair, without saying a word, and just hugged her! My heart understood her heart, and I didn’t have words for her either… but this morning, I do. I could probably sum up the way we both felt with one sentence:

I am tired of it ALL!

Take off the mask and STICK A FORK IN IT, because I am done! We all are!

This pandemic has taken a toll on us mentally, physically, but most of all, EMOTIONALLY. How can it be explained that we are living with an overwhelming sense of lethargy, indifference, listlessness, boredom, and ennui and yet our days are filled with routines, responsibilities, and “to-do” lists?

This post is not for you if you have it all together.

I didn’t write because I have to write honestly. I can’t fake or ignore what my heart feels, and I can’t smile if my spirit frowns. I do realize that as an aspiring writer, I will eventually have to learn how to write in spite of it all, but I’m not there yet.

And I am okay with that.

As I said, this post is not for you if you have it all together.

You may not have appreciated the words of Traci Fuller on January 6th when our nation’s Capital was stormed and I had to hold my baby as she cried herself to sleep that night because all she could see was the date of her entering her high school building for the first time was being pushed further away, because “none of them (were) wearing masks!” 

I did not write because you may not have appreciated the words of Traci Fuller when I was told that my daughter’s teacher had been hospitalized with Covid-19 and that a fellow music teacher had passed away – her death marking the 4th death in the school system that I work for, due to this virus, within a week.  

I did not write because you may not have appreciated the words of a Traci Fuller that is exhausted, overwhelmed, and done with the blasted nonsense (nice words there)!

….but then again, maybe you would have. 

So, this post, and the next several posts – maybe even more – are for those that need help navigating their way through this pandemic. You don’t have your ducks in a row, heck (another nice word), you don’t even know where your ducks are right now!!

I can’t be the only person that is dealing with things that leave you feeling discombobulated and, at times, helpless. If I am, oh well… this post is not for you!

I’m not perfect, and I don’t have all the answers, but I am sure as shells (nicey-nice word again!) going to do a little researching and a lot of praying to figure some of it out! When I do, I plan to share it and tell it like it is…even if it’s ugly. (…only my pens need to be pretty!)

Cut the crap (oops), perfect people don’t exist…..so….

Stay tuned…

The Walls Group is an urban contemporary gospel group from Houston, Texas. I would say that they have been singing since 2009, but they are all siblings, and I’m sure it goes back way further than that.

Their song, “Perfect People” is my message to you this morning. Enjoy!

Traci Dixon Fuller copyright 2021

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